26 August 2011

A (Pleasant) Open Letter to Jason Momoa Regarding Conan the Barbarian (2011)

I thought about doing a full review of the new Conan the Barbarian movie on Black Gate. However, John Fultz put his well-done review out first. Honestly, I was relieved. The movie was not showing at my local theater—which is strange since the AMC Century City 15 gets all the big new releases—and I didn’t feel like driving out to see it that opening weekend. I was still recovering from a bad cold, so I would wait. Perhaps I would put a review on my blog instead once I got out to the theater.

I saw the film this morning (mysteriously, it moved into the AMC 15 the week after it opened and flopped), and again debated writing a complete review. I was penning it in my head as the movie ran before my eyes. But, no. I have other things to do. Instead of a review, I would like to offer this letter to Jason Momoa, who plays Conan in the new film.

Dear Mr. Momoa,

I appreciate your interest in Robert E. Howard and his character Conan of Cimmeria. I know you are a fan, and it shows on screen. There were doubts when you first got cast, but you proved you could pull it off. You put as much of yourself as possible into the character. I can tell that you viewed yourself as carrying on an important tradition in a famous icon of fantasy literature. I believed you did the best you were able to do given the circumstances.

Those circumstances being an utterly awful film directed by a man who probably not only doesn’t know who Robert E. Howard is, but apparently has never heard of John Ford, Preston Sturges, Orson Welles, Stanley Kubrick, Fran├žois Truffaut, or even Steven Spielberg. I’ll bet Marcus Nispel only watches Underworld and Resident Evil films, right? Come on Jason, share some dirt with us on this guy. After all, he screwed up your chance to have a franchise.

So, buddy, I feel for you. I know this hurts. I’ll buy you a beer if I meet you, even though I don’t make that much money. I’d like to read that Conan sequel script you wrote. Sorry it won’t get made.

Do you think I can write to Lionsgate and get a refund for the $11 I paid for a ticket so I can buy you the beer? I’m kidding; they’re broke now as well.

Anyway, I hope this helps.

From a fellow Conan fan,
Ryan Harvey